i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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