Someone shit on the floor
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
