He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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