Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
