Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
