ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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