I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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