Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
