Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
