a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
