I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
