You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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