I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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