just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
