i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
