i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize