Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
