Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
