There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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