Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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