Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She's like a pop up book from hell.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Let's get the cat blown out
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
