I can tuck mytits in my pants
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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