I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
