hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
