She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
