you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
