When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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