If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
