I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
