just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just high enough for therapy.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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