my being single is dangerous.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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