you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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