i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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