Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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