DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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