omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
