I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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