Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
