You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
