Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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