Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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