I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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