I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
