dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
