He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
