Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Everything about him screamed your future.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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