Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
