I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
