I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
