Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
