I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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