and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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