I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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