After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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