Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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