One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
